Ghost of Best Friends Past

He’s my best friend. He has been for as long as I can remember. But I’ve been in love with him much longer than that. He is to blame for every single one of my failed relationships. The guys weren’t as funny or smart as he was. Didn’t listen as much as he did. Aren’t as Derrick as he is. I try not to compare. But when someone has been a part of you that long, when you’ve wanted someone that much, it’s almost impossible to achieve.

We’ve known each other ten years, we’ve been best friends for four years, I’ve been in love with him for 6 years. He was my best friend’s boyfriend in high school. I played third wheel for a very long time because I had no boyfriend. I didn’t want a boyfriend. No boy was as caring as my best friend’s boy. I always wanted a boyfriend like him (I wasn’t in love with him). Then Dianne died of sickle cell in our final year. He was broken. I was devastated. We were stuck together. We took turns consoling each other. By the time we were out of school, we were the only two people that believed we weren’t together. We had our fair share of accusations. I was called a boyfriend snatcher. He was tagged an insensitive prick. That got us closer together. Only we understood what we were going through and what was going on.

We ended up in Uni together. And by that time, I was head over heels in love with him. How was I going tell my dead best friend’s boyfriend that I wanted him? How could I live with myself, thinking of how Diane would feel about this. But why was a dead person’s feelings more important to me than my own? They weren’t. I’m just scared of what he’ll say if I ever let my feelings show. Knowing how he truly feels about me might be unbearable. So we stay parked in the friend zone. Sometimes there is tension between us; tension so tangible. But then again, I’m not sure if its real or imagined, just like those times Diane appears and tells me she’s ok with me going for Derrick. Like I once read, best friends of the opposite sex are those people we’re in love with but can’t be with. Maybe, Derrick and I are meant to be just that. Best friends.

 

************

What did Sandra tell you? I’m sure she said something about how she’s been taking care of me for the better part of 6 years. I’m not going to go into the Diane story. I’m certain she covered that part too. What I’m sure she didn’t cover is the very obvious tension (obviously obvious to just me) and chemistry between us. She’s been ignoring or worse, hasn’t noticed it. Its been four years now, and I love her more each passing day. In the beginning, it was just difficult putting my emotions into words. She had been my support system after Diane. My head kept telling it wasn’t love. It was the good old hero’s syndrome. Long story short, I’m in love with her. Have been for the last four years, all those years calling her my best friend. Gone through the jealousy I feel for boyfriend after boyfriend she’s had. Almost popped champagne after each break up, when she’ll come and tell me why she ended things with them. They were never what she was looking. That made me happy and scared me at the same time. Every guy seems to be the wrong one; that should be a good thing. Except, I could fall into the ‘every guy’ category.

I know I should be a man, risk it all and bare out my heart. Only problem is the uncertainty. She probably sees me as a brother now. That will most certainly gross her out. And there is the Diane factor. I believe she’s fighting the attraction because she’ll feel guilty. But what do I know, for all I know, she really does think of me as a brother (that would really suck). Maybe I’ll let out how I feel, maybe I won’t. I dunno. I now understand something I read in a book Sandra once gave me; best friends of the opposite sex are those people we’re in love with but can’t be with. As logical as it sounds and as accurate as it is in my current situation, I doubt I can be content with it.