I Made A Selfish Decision. I Hope It’s Worth It

Maybe I should have told her I cheated on her. That way she would hate me and get over me faster. It hurts watching her try to piece together what happened when even I can’t seem to do that.

I’ve loved Elisabeth for the last 3 years. She was as perfect as girlfriends come. She was my bestfriend, my confidante, my advisor and lover. She IS what you think about when someone mentions ‘a good woman’. The complete package.
And I broke up with her. Three weeks ago.
I did not leave her for another woman. She did not cheat on me or hurt me in anyway. I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. As far as break up reasons go, I
had the crappiest one. How do you tell someone that you still love them and
you’d want to marry them in about 5 years; but from now till that time, you
want to be single and live for yourself?
We all start relationships with a hope and belief that this is it. We want it to be the
right one so bad that it feels like the right one. This wasn’t like that. It did not start out like a romantic story. It was a quintessential ‘hook up culture’ story gone bad (or good depending on how you look at it now). It was all of nine months being friends with benefits before I decided she was too good a woman to risk losing to another guy. So I did what every ‘mature’ guy is expected to do. I dropped my hoes and then asked her to be my girlfriend.
It isn’t that difficult when you know she makes up for it in more ways than one. It wasn’t that big of a risk because I knew she would say yes. Although she was having as much fun as I was in our arrangement, I knew she had feelings for me. And I had feelings for her too.
Actually, I had had feelings for her around the second week of our little arrangement but you know how hook up culture goes. There was no reason to miss out on the options by locking yourself up with one girl. But she had consistently proven that, I wouldn’t miss the options if I locked myself up with her. I don’t think she intended to
show me that but that’s all I could think about when I decided it was time to
make her mine, officially at least.
That was 3 years ago.
Twenty days ago I brought all that to an end. Sometimes selfish decisions
are good for your well being. I wasn’t sure this was. I can try to explain why
at 26, I wanted to freeze my relationship with the girl of my dreams in time so
I could live my life, and find myself without her, but I can’t. That is why I
didn’t even mention that to her. The worst thing you can do after breaking
someone’s  heart is to give them false hope.
What I know is that, mentally, I was not in the same place as my heart and that
is difficult to reconcile. So I’m going to have to live with this decision and
hope that things turn out right. To be honest, the freedom of being single is
the only thing that’s not terrible about this break up. At this selfish point
in my life, I’m not sure I could have continued living a life where I had to
consider another person’s feelings in every decision I made.
Sometimes the right thing is not fair or easy but you always have to do the right thing for
you.
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