The sad thing about growing up and being a better person is that the people you hurt in the past will always see you as that [past]person.
— SC (@AceJunkie) July 22, 2014
This speaks volumes to me. I am haunted a lot lately by ghosts of sins past. As I get older, I am beginning to realise that a lot of the things we do to each other are incredibly sucky. For every single one of those things I uncover, I have a story from my past where I’ve done that to someone.
After Uni, I made a decision to stop being what most people have come to term ‘a fuck boy’. It is going well so far. There is however a little problem with that. I occasionally find myself in a situation with a person I just met, who has heard things about me from someone I used to know. I’m sure you know how that goes. Sins of the past are here to haunt me.
I have been trying to make amends. I have talked to a few people I know for sure i messed up with. I have attempted to apologise to them. That part is not going well at all. It turns out I hurt people more than I realised.
- I left someone with trust issues that have ruined her last two relationships.
- Another one has had to live with not feeling good enough, since I went from ‘i’ll be here with you for as long as you want’ to simply disappearing.
- I am responsible for breaking up a 6 year old relationship during my three months cameo in her life and I did not have the decency to say goodbye.
For most of these, I had tangible reasons for them at the time. But in retrospect, those were not tangible. They were reasons alright, enough to make me leave without bearing any guilt whatsoever, but I have left a mess in my wake.
I am a much better person now but a lot of them will probably never know. A few will keep on hating me. Some will just see me as a cautionary tale and others will pretty much tell everyone who will listen about what an ass I am. I deserve all of that. But if anyone I ever hurt is reading this, I want you to know that I’m sorry and I’m doing better.