I’m sorry and I’m doing better…

This speaks volumes to me. I am haunted a lot lately by ghosts of sins past. As I get older, I am beginning to realise that a lot of the things we do to each other are incredibly sucky. For every single one of those things I uncover, I have a story from my past where I’ve done that to someone.

After Uni, I made a decision to stop being what most people have come to term ‘a fuck boy’. It is going well so far. There is however a little problem with that. I occasionally find myself in a situation with a person I just met, who has heard things about me from someone I used to know. I’m sure you know how that goes. Sins of the past are here to haunt me.

I have been trying to make amends. I have talked to a few people I know for sure i messed up with. I have attempted to apologise to them. That part is not going well at all. It turns out I hurt people more than I realised.

  • I left someone with trust issues that have ruined her last two relationships.
  • Another one has had to live with not feeling good enough, since I went from ‘i’ll be here with you for as long as you want’ to simply disappearing.
  • I am responsible for breaking up a 6 year old relationship during my three months cameo in her life and I did not have the decency to say goodbye.

For most of these, I had tangible reasons for them at the time. But in retrospect, those were not tangible. They were reasons alright, enough to make me leave without bearing any guilt whatsoever, but I have left a mess in my wake.

I am a much better person now but a lot of them will probably never know. A few will keep on hating me. Some will just see me as a cautionary tale and others will pretty much tell everyone who will listen about what an ass I am. I deserve all of that. But if anyone I ever hurt is reading this, I want you to know that I’m sorry and I’m doing better.


3 thoughts on “I’m sorry and I’m doing better…

Add yours

  1. If Saul became Paul… there’s no limitation to the change God can bring to the life of a person… Quite often we make resolutions like these, the difference between our ability to keep them up and our tendency to return to the wrong, lies in God :D. I pray that soon, people will know you for the ‘Paul’ you’ve become, and not the ‘Saul’ you were!

  2. Love the lesson this post teaches. But seriously some girl ditched a 6 year relationship for a 3 month stroll you made in her life? And she’s the victim??

    1. Her relationship was in a rut and I can be very convincing when I want to be. I know it sounds like it might be her fault but it was mine

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