Hey guys, thanks for staying with us through this series. It’s been fun and we hope to get back on another one soon. Like I announced earlier, we’ll continue taking letters from you so keep them coming to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll post them as and when we receive them. We’re signing out with @Terdoh
This is lovely. This is just lovely. I’m supposed to write a letter to a child not yet born? How are they going to see it? By the time they are old enough to read and use the internet by themselves, this blog shit would be old fashioned…
Don’t you think so?
Anyway, just in case they do a google search, and they see my name, let me not be the one that did not write a letter to his unborn children.
First off, let me start with those three words you want to hear;
ARE YOU MAD??
What do you think you are doing performing background checks on your father? Are you insane? Your mates are hacking into the United States’ security system and you are here forming Inspector Gadget on your dad? Please sit.
Sha sha, you have found me. Congratulations. I can see the can of maltina next to the hologram you’re reading this with. You’re catching up. Sure boy.
Yes……boy. Your mother wanted you to be a girl. She is yet to understand the power of super sperm…among other things like pounded yam, and pure water. But I digress.
I’m sure you’re wondering why you have no siblings, and your uncle Kelvin can fill an entire stadium with his spawn. The reason is simple. Your father is rich. Very rich. But see, he is not stupid. Do you know how much school fees cost? Your primary school charged me over 2 million a term. Imagine what will happen when you get to university. Ah. You can like to remain siblingless.
Ah yes, the issue of girls. You see, YOUR FATHER IS A VIRGIN!! He is STILL a virgin. Do you understand where I’m going and where I’m coming from?
Never kiss and tell. No matter what. There is power in the secrets you keep.
As for sex education…DM me for details bro. *family fistbump*
There are a lot of things I would love to put my foot down and say “Thou shall not do”, but I know better. Any child that wants to spoil WILL spoil. So, I will tell you what I wouldn’t want you to do, and just pray that you will trust me enough to know that these things are not good for you;
-Do not use twitter. It is of the devil. A complete waste of time and effort, and sometimes wit. Cos these people don’t understand the awesomeness of The Spawn Of Terdoh. Please, do not waste our famiy brain power on such mortals. BBM on the other hand…
-You see this thing called blogging? Total waste of time! Become a programmer like your father. A game programmer…yes, those people enjoy their jobs. Bloggers don’t get paid for blogging! Do you hear??
-Vices. I would advice that you don’t have them. Why? For the same reason I don’t have them. Because everyone else does. How are you going to be different? How are you going to stand out? I’m beginning to sound like your granddad. But just hear me out. Maybe in your time, everyone is using a Blackberry Epiphany, nigga get a Curve! Antique that shit! Let people see you and go; “That nigga is just…. special”. Make me proud, weirdo.
-Women? *sigh* Touchy subject. But I trust you to make your good judgement and not let me down. However!!…
IF YOU DARE BRING A CHILD HOME BECAUSE YOU MADE BABIES INSTEAD OF MAKING LOVE…hmmm. As you were.
-African Magic. The fact that the station is still going strong despite the amount of bull they service on a daily basis is testimony to the fact that they used the second word in their name to get there, and they are maintaining it with JUJU!
Therefore, as the Son of Terdoh, you are NEVER to watch it. I know I said I wouldn’t force you (NOT) to do anything, but T, don’t even think of it!
Family IQ is 130 and above. 129.999 is (impossible to attain and) unacceptable! You were warned. African Magic is a BIG NO! Leave that to your mother. (I will convert her when I can)
What else can I say? You are my spawn, my seed, my only child, my heartbeat. I probably became fully mature on the day you were birthed. Ergo, you made me who I am today. I love you. Next to your mother, you mean the world to me. I will love you no matter how many mistakes you make. Feel free to come to me with your problems. I will be here for you, no matter what. A lot of parents say this. I will DO it. I promise.
I gave my mother trouble, so I’m expecting double from you, but take it easy on me abeg. Me sef sabi beat pesin…man to man. If you mess up too much, na brushing oh. You were warned.
Be good for me. And don’t make the other kids at school look too dumb aite?
I love you. Always have, always will.
Check @Terdoh’s blog here