Letter To My Unborn Child #4

Love at first sight is seeing your baby..you fall so hard you can never get up again


Charlie pass me the ball!!” Johnnie yelled from across the field. The big-big field.
Charlie-Long-Legs kicked the ball so hard, It hit Johnnie in the temple and he kissed the grass. Sweet Baby Jesus just looked on and marvelled at his father’s creations.

Angel Mailus screamed.
Everyone gathered round to see what the mail bag had in store for them.

Johnnie received a strange looking envelope.
He was curious. He tore it open in such a haste.

“Its from earth!” he squealed
“Its from earth!!”

The letter read;

Dear Unborn Child,
The doctor dude keeps probing my belly. He says you should arrive in a few days.
Don’t get so happy; This ain’t good news. You are gonna be born into some really unfortunate circumstances.
You’re an incoming Bastard.
Yes o! I’m not sure who your father is but all the potential fathers I tried to pin you on ran away like monkeys with BSE.
So you see, I’m helpless and all alone. Everyone has deserted me. No hunnie to rub my tummy to feel you kick and all that lovey dovey trash. So go easy on the kicking.
Be nice to me baby! Don’t eat too much. Don’t let your head grow too big. We cannot afford to undergo Caesarean Section. It costs a lot you know? Only if you want us to scrub hospital floors after parturition.
I believe you are a miracle child and I am pro-life.
The above is just the intro. Let me lay down the rules to avoid friction.
1. No School. Schools are freakin’ expensive and money is hard to come by. I was a Whiz in my day. Sadly, I derailed. So you will be home schooled. By yourself.
2. No Girls. Bitches nowadays ain’t finding love. All they want is Brazilian hair, Blackberries and Louboutins. I wonder why the bitches can’t live with their God given hair or just buy red paint; isn’t that what makes Louboutins different? Seesh!!
Before I digress
3. Your Father Figure. FYI many people shall play the role of daddy in your life. Cuz men come and go.
4. Be Thankful. The kind of business I partake in is not for the soft hearted and it ain’t easy. Go easy on the spending and stealing from my purse. I know I did it too but baby have mercy.
5.Food. I hope I catch a big fish soon enough. Since I haven’t hammered yet, our feeding timetable is a very simple mnemonic Eba-Rice-Eba-Rice-Eba-Eba-Rice-Rice. And feeding shall take place only once in a day I.e 0-1-0. You dig?

I’m not so proud. I shouldn’t bring you to the world to suffer but what can a helpless lady do?

Pray for your mummy baby. Pray that things get better. Maybe we can even find a father for you.

Safe journey to earth and remember baby…
Its me and you against the world.

With so much sorrow in my heart,
Your mum.”

Johnnie was dazed.
He ran to Sweet Baby Jesus and screamed;
“Sweet Baby Jesus!! Send me to America!”


Check out @kemmiiii’s blog here

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23 thoughts on “Letter To My Unborn Child #4

Add yours

  1. Okay…this is ‘sadly funny’. I don’t know why, but i laughed at the “send me to America” part. 😦

    Good job Kemi.

    Uncle Amowi, I don’t think this series is getting the publicity it deserves. Good work yo!

  2. really nice and very touching, u might be lucky to find a father for the baby n luckier if she’s a girl cos she’ll understand you better

  3. This was emotional to me, I don’t know why? ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡ ) Maybe the part where it was like “You are an incoming bastard”
    Nice job Kemi
    I love you…

  4. *proudly waving LCA flag* This is just crazy beautiful.

    Kemmiiii, you know I love you crazy. Enuf to raise Johnny with you even though he can’t possibly be mine. You know nah… 😉

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